24 Reason Excuses Why I’m 25 and Not Married [yet]

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1. I made the life altering mistake of going to a Christian college. Oops. My bad.

2. I don’t talk to boys. And when I do, I ask them questions. And that’s kind of invasive these days.

3. I never got into Pokemon. And it’s been a downward spiral ever since.

4. I’m like not very encouraging. Like maybe I should’ve been like more supportive of like all my guy friends, you know?

5. Crap, it’s because I don’t have an iphone, or a samsung galaxy.

6. In fact, I don’t even have a cellphone. And we all know I will not receive any proposals if I can’t give out my number.

7. When I was 13, my soccer coach told me that I lacked aggression.

8. Sometimes I do things on my own, which is way too intimidating.

9. Haven’t brushed my hair in seven years. I don’t see how that could be a problem though.

10. Back in Kindergarten when every single girl had a crush on a certain boy, I didn’t even talk to him out of spite.

11. Probably haven’t read enough self help books about this topic. Especially by Christian authors about pursuing, or should I say being pursued. At least I definitely know it would be a big no-no to be more wild at heart.

12. I am not a teacher nor a nurse, or even a secretary for that matter.

13. And I don’t have a puppy. Which would presumably be cute.

14. Genetics.

15. I’ve been accidently focusing on other things too much. Like buying groceries and trying to develop my talents, and not going broke and trying to have friends.

16. Too much pressure. So much pressure it exploded and now there isn’t any pressure.

17. I’ve never made a highly successful casserole.

18. Travel too much. Wanderlust: key words being wander and lust. Eww. Totally unfeminine.

19. In Canada I don’t have a Lulu Lemon anything, and in ‘Merica I never owned a Northface sweater

20. and I didn’t wear Uggs with tights when I was young and had a chance.

21. But we all know the real reason is I only wear mascara around 20% of the time. And that might be a high estimate.

22. I like to talk to middle-aged ladies, and we all know that middle-aged ladies and that elusive demographic of future husbands will never go hand in hand. Alas.

23. Probably my cynicism has just burned a hole in my pheromones.

 

Disclaimer: This post is not meant to be offensive. I also highly respect most nurses, teachers, and secretaries. And I’ve met a few nice people who wear Northface sweaters.

My Trip to Africa (the whole continent)

-began by visiting Josephine, my friend from Messiah College, who is living the über professional life in Nairobi at this time. Somewhat surreal to meet ‘on the other side’ and see Josephine’s life. She is quite literally an über professional, and at the beginning of the work week I rode the bus downtown with her so she could do her professional duties in her professional business building, and I wandered around downtown Nairobi, alone, with a large bag made out of African fabrics full of water and other necessities, which Josephine told me would look too touristy for downtown Nairobi, and as usual, Josephine was correct. I should also mention that I am white. I was approached in succession by 8 men. Two of whom had very good stories to tell me, about East African immigration woes and the need for bus money to go to Rwanda/South Africa to hook up with a ‘Christian Organization’ that will fund their education in a Western country so that they can return to their respective countries with an education. First man told me he was in a ‘catch 22,’ which is apparently code word for something, because later, the second man also told me he was in a ‘catch 22.’ There was awkward silence when I didn’t monetarily help out anyone with their ‘catch 22’s’, but I did give out 2 of my samosas from lunch, and the third man who asked me for something unfortunately only received a small lecture that I already gave out all my samosas so too bad. One man had a full leg cast from a matatu accident, and in his words, he definitely “wasn’t making it up.” I talked my way out of another encounter by accepting the man’s email address and leaving it at that. Another man was all set to buy me an icecream from the icecream guy at the park, but that seemed a little fishy, so I said I didn’t want an icecream to ruin my lunch. In hindsight maybe I should’ve gone for it.

From Nairobi flew to Uganda, to visit my cousin Julie, who lives in Kampala, who does things, as well as quite notably speaks African English with a perfect accent, as well as perfect Luganda according to my ears. Some of the things I did with her:

-checked out quite a few schools for children with disabilities, and talked to the teachers, and got tours of places, and found out what the teachers didn’t like, and were told about the ‘challenges’ and financial woes and need for supplies, and said ‘sorry that sounds tough’ (paraphrased by Maria) and then sometimes there was an awkward silence. And we saw a lot of Ugandan MEN working with kids with disabilities because they want to help even though they don’t receive a high status or high salary, which was cool. And some places all the kids were happy despite the fact that they didn’t have enough diapers. And some places there was strange tension even though all the kids did have diapers and were well fed. Speaking of diapers, or lack thereof, one time I sat in a plastic chair full of pooled pee. Oops. And then I wore that skirt for two more days.

 

-met some rich white missionaries who don’t do much. Except complain. You wouldn’t believe how liberating it is to say that. Also met many rich white missionaries who are doing lovely things.

-ate all the chickens in Uganda

-hung out with Julie’s co workers, including Sue, who does physical therapy, and Sue sucked us in to her social vortex of newly made acquaintances who spring up wherever she goes.

-sat in traffic in Kampala. Sat some more in traffic. Texted on Julie’s phone in traffic.

-ate Rolex’s for breakfast. Which means eggs in chapatis inside of tasty grease.

-crashed an expat American thanksgiving extravaganza complete with smoked turkey and an exuberant American electric guitar player straight out of the 80s. And no one talked to us the whole evening.

-drove to Karamoja land (eastern Uganda, otherwise known as Moroto) on a bumpy red road which was a bumpy MUDDY red road on the way out, and there was some worry about even making it on the way out, because buses were stuck on the way in. Karamajong people, stereotypically, are continuously drinking sorghum beer, they even feed it to their children, and they used to be nomadic cattle people, but a few years ago, the Ugandan government ‘de-armed’ them, which means they took away all their guns, so now the Karamajong people don’t have any cattle anymore (because guns = cattle, obviously), so they are sad, and are confused about their identity. And the area used to be considered very dangerous because of all the guns, but not anymore. Although word on the street is that all the guns are still there, just buried in plastic in the ground, waiting to come out during the 2016 elections (in Uganda).

-‘listened’ to a class of smiling Karamoja children who couldn’t hear ‘sing’ to us in sign language. Beautiful.

-got super sick right after crossing the border into Kenya. So saw the beautiful highlands of Kenya through a wave of nausea. Since I was too self conscious to throw up in front of a vegetable lady on the side of the road, I just suffered for another 5 hours. A lesson for the future.

-and then we arrived back in Nairobi, just in time for our family reunion…. … … …

This is all a big joke

Hey Guys,

I’ve been lounging around my new home now for 5 days, voicing strange noises at inopportune times to convince my parents that I have indeed gone crazy. Got a job at a Crepe place (not to be confused with a crappy place). I start on Friday, and will work weekends. Still waiting on some young adult Bible studies to roll around so I can make friends. That is the extent of my strategic plan for making friends [and influencing people.]

Went to a lovely pie social with a lot of friendly old folks and an old man crooning with a banjo and commented how much I love Canada.

Saw 5 deers (including 3 preteen fawns) yesterday on my run downtown under grey skies. The deer family was hanging out in the parking lot of an insurance broker, and I think I confused them.
Been putting off importing my car because I hate paperwork, and I shudder at the very thought of it.
Speaking of which, my friend Rachel and I drove to Medicine Hat from Harrisburg, and we made it! Memorable overnight stops included…

Detroit, which is weirder than Harrisburg –  so much blight!!!!!!! I’m sorry but I couldn’t stop smiling when we drove around and looked at all the blight. I’ve just heard of it for so long it was exciting to actually see it. Blight means abandoned/run- down houses.

Minneapolis, in which we got to visit my super cool cousins – Daniel and Jen and cute girls Estella and Kharis, and Ryan and Jess. Thanks guys!

and some motel in North Dakota, in which Rachel was confused by the hotel receptionist as a ‘woman of the night.’ Awkward.

We got across the border ok, possibly because I had toothpaste saliva plastered all over the outside of the back seat window (no idea how that got there) and to be honest, it looked like more than just toothpaste, and we flatter ourselves that as a result the customs official had absolutely no desire to search our fully loaded car. (to clarify, it was only fully loaded with clothes and books and artwork and chocolate and Rachel).

My car radio did not work for the 4 day trek, and amazingly no, we did not go crazy. Because Rachel went hoarse reading me a sad and inspiring story. (A Tree Grows In Brooklyn = great book.) Over the course of the 35+ hour drive we also filmed our infamous documentary, in which Rachel aimed at the sky with the camera 75% of the time, and I being the main character do not do anything particularily crazy – and if I did, wouldn’t you like to know? therefore the documentary is so riveting we decided not to share it with the world lest people watch it on facebook and become jealous, God forbid.

That is all.

Bye Bye Harrisburg

Dear family and friends,

I have been busy lately going through the rigors of transition, which for me seems to never end, but the last month has been particularly rigorous in that regard.

What am I saying? All I am saying is that when one is going through the process of moving it seems as though there are all always at least eight categories with at least twelve things on the to do list within each category and that adds up to a lot when it is all floating around in your brain and also on little papers that I keep all over the place.

As mentioned a while ago, I have decided to move back to Alberta, and this was my last hoorah summer in Harrisburg. It was lovely hanging out with friends and doing things, all of which have now blended in to a blur of sunsets and humidity. But it was nice.

And I had an art show and over 100 people came, and I sold some artwork and I also sold a lot of little artwork cards that I made, and you are welcome to buy some off me whenever you like! [this is not blatant advertising]. Speaking of which, my mom compiled a book and I illustrated it, and you should/could buy it.

Anyways, end of August we moved out of our house, which included selling and giving away all sorts of furnitures and appliances, and I managed to make a lifelong enemy in the process of selling my piano, but that’s one of the complications of life I suppose. Needless to say, we did manage to get it all out of there on time, except for the spiders and the intergenerational family of cockroaches that we had been breeding, much to the chagrin of certain unnamed roommates. I have downsized my ‘stuff’ to hopefully fit into my 4 door sedan. Right now I am living with some nice people near Messiah College who are so nice they let me live with them for 3 weeks. I have been eating their hummus. And I accidently fed their dog one too many times tonight. Oh well.

The only reason I am still here now, is because one of my roommates got married this last weekend, and I wanted to be there. I also played the piano for her wedding. Also, my other roommate has decided she will drive with me to Canada! Yay! So I delayed the trip for when she can get time off work. We drive out this coming Monday, and we are going to do it really fast in four days, against my back’s better judgment. We are also planning to make a documentary.

For those wondering I do not have a job lined up in Medicine Hat but that is ok.  I am planning to visit my cousin Julie in Uganda in November, and then attend family reunion in Kenya in December, so those travels are trumping high quality job at this time. But thanks for caring!

As for me and my work in Pennsylvania, I haphazardly quit for a week, and then returned to work for a few more weeks when they called me up and said I could work with one of my favorite kids from last year. I got to go to the first few days of grade one with him, and he has mastered the cafeteria line already so I feel ok leaving. So now my calendar is only full of social engagements and final piano lessons and playing piano at an old folks home and selling my bike and changing my address and convincing the Harrisburg School District that I am moving and no longer need to pay them taxes and writing letters to family and friends about my complicated transitions.

The Plan:

Dear people,

I have a plan!

I have decided to return to Alberta in the fall (like to live). I will stay with my parents in Medicine Hat probably for the year. These are the reasons I’m coming back to the homeland:

1. I felt like it. I have quite enjoyed living in Harrisburg for 2 years, but it is not ‘home’, and I think I could make it home if I lived in PA for another decade, but then I decided maybe it wasn’t worth it since I do, afterall, like my parents and Canada and all that jazz. I chose Harrisburg because it is bankrupt and an underdog city in glitzy America, and I feel somewhat useful there. (Whereas Canadians already have everything figured out). But then I realized Canadians don’t necessarily have everything figured out, so heck, maybe I can just move back home and live in the wilderness where I like it. Cities stress me out sometimes, especially when I can never escape the suburban sprawl.

2. My house is breaking up… Alaska, India/Seattle, Thailand, Ivy League Grad schools, marriage, whatever-rachel-is-doing….  my roommates are moving on and Hamilton House as we like to call it is coming to an end. It was great while it lasted. I WILL be living in Harrisburg for the summer still, until August/September. I will also be having an art show in July in Harrisburg. You are invited. I also plan to visit my elderly brother in New York City this summer.

3. I don’t have health insurance, and strawberries from the Great Canadian Superstore taste really good. I could potentially get really rich if I work in Alberta for like a month (joke, but not actually).

4. I like my job in Harrisburg, but it is not my ‘passion’ to work with kids with autism, for the most part I felt like I was just doling out common sense, which was great, but I don’t feel like I’m performing at my highest potential. Thus, I am open to trying out something else.

So my plan is to live in Harrisburg for the summer, drive back to Medicine Hat Alberta with all my stuff in my car in the fall, work a dead end job for a while (get rich), go to Africa (the whole continent – that’s a joke, not actually) for a family reunion before Christmas, then return to Canada and find a real job. And then ‘take it from there’ in the most vague sense of the word.

Some things I’m worried about:

1. Getting sucked into the superficial comfort of Canadian living (obviously I already have.) It seems to me that most Albertans are obssessed with making money. Most Americans are too, but people in Alberta actually succeed at it. And it freaks me out a bit that it’s a whole culture of rich people with comfortable lives. (Unless you’re homeless in Calgary I understand).

2. Making friends. So far I have an average of three and a half intergenerational friends in Medicine Hat. None my age. None interested. I will also miss the great friendships that grew out of good ole Messiah College, and all the friends in Harrisburg that I could walk down the street and visit.

3. It’s a little bittersweet that I won’t feel justified in making fun of ‘Merica when I don’t actually live there, but priorities, priorities…

Travel is all I ever write about…

My day on Saturday:

Woke up at 5 am to persistent pounding on a door and a man yelling “you’re f****** kidding me,” intermittently with “I’m gonna stab you, I don’t care.”  Luckily he wasn’t pounding on my door. Crept outside on my second floor balcony and my neighbor informed me from her balcony in the morning light that our other persnickety neighbor had already called the police twice.

Walked the banks of the mighty Susquehanna [river] and reflected on the probable fact that I would be in Calgary, Alberta in the evening. Ate two breakfasts, the latter being my housemate Kate’s bridesmaid  brunch and pre dress shopping shindig of freshly made melt in your mouth blueberry scones with cream cheese and coffee, and met all of her bridesmaids, who all fit in the kitchen at the same time.

Caught a ride with my friends ‘The Calebs’ to the Harrisburg mall to catch my bus to Philly. A fact for which I am EXTREMELY GRATEFUL and I also bribed them with chocolate. While waiting for the bus I talked to a friendly girl around my age who said she wants to switch to working with kids instead of doing medical billing which she hates. She said something to the effect of,” there’s so much potential in kids they just need to be able to do good things.” Very profound.

Rode megabus to Philly. Thought I had time to spare, so bought a frosty and wandered around. Couldn’t quite remember where the regional rail to the airport was located, so I asked a Septa Subway agent. Turns out Regional Rail employees are on strike as of last night. He told me to catch the subway West to 69th Street (40 blocks away) and take a bus from there. So I panicked and followed his advice. In hindsight maybe should’ve risked a taxi. Because I boarded the bus about the time I should’ve been arriving at the airport. And I was really annoying and asked the annoyed bus driver when she ‘thought’ we ‘might possibly’ arrive at the airport. She said an hour and 15 minutes. Ahh! Decided to take the bus and risk it, because I didn’t see any taxis and I told myself I could always get off the bus and just hail down a taxi (in the middle of West Philly) like they do in the movies. So I rode the bus for an hour and  the whole time I was hyperventilpraying (yes I just made that word up) and I also hummed to myself under the drone of the bus because that is how I cope apparently but one time a lady looked at me wierd like she could hear me humming so I tried to tone it down a bit.

So we zigzagged and stopped at all the bus stops and stop signs in the whole West Philly and then South Philly, both places that I am not familiar with so I didn’t ever know how close we were to the airport. I saw a plane flying overhead at one point and was a little encouraged. Eventually the bus started clearing out and I had a nice conversation with an airport worker on her commute to work about how the regional rail strike was ruining everything… that made me feel better. Finally made it to the airport exactly an hour and a half before my international flight. The bus stopped at the first terminal and just sat, because it was ahead of schedule, so I got out and ran to the departure area with my heavy backpack and overloaded suitcase stuffed with three winter coats and two pairs of boots and various other materials. Asked for Air Canada and ran ahead 3 more terminals with my suitcase clickety clacking behind me. Arrived a little sweaty and out of breath, but the ticket man was still there, and I made it!!!

Drank some free Coke on the plane to celebrate. Then travelled for 11 more hours!

Year of the Car, Revisited

One fateful February Wednesday morning, whilst brushing my teeth at home, my green-gift-from-God-Ford-stationwagon was smashed whilst parked on my street by a large Egg and Cheese Delivery truck. There was freezing rain and the truck slipped. The truck driver was an honest abe who luckily stayed around and called the police and gave me his insurance numbers. My car was smashed on both ends with a broken window, and I caught a ride late to work.

After some minor hyperventilating, and some phone calls back and forth, with scary insurance adjustors and my Dad and the Egg and Cheese Company Owner, and some major zoning out on my part at work, the owner of the Egg and Cheese Company agreed to just buy my smashed car off of me for an okay price. So 9 pm the same Wednesday I found myself with two middle-aged brothers from the Mennonite Mafia (with matching jackets, and embroidered things like “Gary: Owner; Egg and Cheese Company” stitched onto their lapels) awkwardly standing in my dining room, handing me a wad of cash and signing papers that we won’t sue each other, and I signed over the title (Gary’s ‘brother’ was apparently a Notary) and they drove my green stationwagon off in the dark with one taillight missing, two smashed bumpers, and some cold wind blowing through the broken window.

So, once more I was without a car. I feel like I can relate to all people who have malfunctioning or nonexistent vehicles.

And it is hard to get to work, and go to the other place of work, and the other place, when you have no car and all one’s friends also work. But thank you to Katherine, Rachel, Kate, Danielle, Becca, Maryann, Eldon, Henok and Sarah, for really helping me out. I also enjoyed a few adventurous four mile walks from Harrisburg to Steelton in the middle of the day, to make it to all my ‘clients’ for work.

It is hard to buy a car when one has no car to drive to look at the cars. And I realized that I absolutely hate asking people for help when I suspect it is inconvenient for them. Not sure of the solution to that dilemma.

But a nice man offered to drive me around to look at some Craigslist options. However all the cars we saw were crap – for lack of a better word.

But then again when I was getting desperate after almost 3 weeks another nice knowledgable car man called me up on a Saturday morning and offered to go look at cars with me, and I found one and bought it! (And this time there were no smiling men with babies involved, if you catch my drift). So in conclusion I upgraded 7 years to the nicest car I have ever owned!

But then a filling fell out of my tooth and I almost had to get a root canal and deplete my bank account again, but that’s another story.